What Makes a Good Marriage? 8 Traits That helped our Marriage Survive for 22 Years and counting– Happy Anniversary – #family #marriage

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What Makes a Good Marriage?

Last weekend I celebrated by 22nd wedding anniversary with my husband.

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That is a pretty nice milestone considering some may have not thought that this would last. How does anyone really know?  In the last couple of years I have found out that a couple of couples that we know had split up.  I was shocked and saddened when I found out.  They are not couples that I thought in a million years would separate or divorce.  I do not know enough to be able to categorically say it’s because of this or that.  It was a mid-life crisis.  It was because they drank or abused drugs, cheated or just plainly fell out of love.  I really don’t know.  No will except those two in the marriage.

I do know that none of us are immune from having marital problems.  People change. That is a fact.

What I do know is that you have to work at marriage.  It’s a living, breathing, growing thing that needs to be nurtured.  Tended to like a garden.  Neglect only builds seeds of miscommunication, discontent and separation.  My husband and I have had times in our relationship that we have been in trouble.  Not deep trouble, I think, but enough trouble that we have had to go to counselling and work things through.  I have never kept this a secret but it is also something that I don’t discuss often. Those times when there is a hiccup in your communications skills and you need to reach out and get a re-alignment (or maybe a good old smack-down).  Whatever that maybe.  I do think that having an independent professional is helpful.

As we celebrate out twenty-second wedding anniversary I thought I would tell you what 8 traits helped our marriage survive:

Values

This may seem simple enough but you can overcome just about any difficulties if you get back to the basics.  I married my husband because we held the same values.  Family is important.  Getting an education is important.  Giving to charity is important.  Having a family is important.  These are all things that we value in our lives – for our whole lives.  It’s not about a big house or a fancy car or a job title.  It’s about what is important for a lifetime of happiness.  When you know that you can both face adversity as a united front.  That is essential to making the right choices for you as a couple and for us as a family.

Humour

You must always have a good sense of humour.  When you find yourself elbow deep in baby poop.  When the dog was just sprayed by a skunk or your basement has flooded.  You need to know when to keep things light and laugh a little.  My husband has a dry sense of humour and every once in a while, his friendly ribbing  lets our children know that we shouldn’t take ourselves too seriously. I love when my husband makes me laugh. When I see that side of his quiet personality surface I relish in it.

Faith

I was brought up a Catholic (as are our children).  I find solace and peace, grace and humility in religion.  It holds a comforting familiarity and guiding principles that help me understand my place in the world.  When my husband proposed to me, I asked that he give me children and that we bring them up as Catholics before I agreed to marry him.  This just means that my faith in God is strong and although it is not something that we discuss on a daily basis, it is what I think of often.  Much to my surprise, my husband decided to convert to Catholicism three years ago.  He had many personal reasons but the one that spoke to me is that he wanted to see our family complete under the eyes of God as a Catholic family of faith.  When a spouse does this act of their own fruition, it is binding moment.

Intimacy

I’m not about to elaborate much on this but I all I have to say is there is a time an a place where only the two of you matter to no one else but each other.  You’re attraction to each other helps the fires burn bright. Never forget why you were attracted to each other.  It is important to keep those moments special, private and intimate.

Travel

When my husband had a different job in his company, we were able to attend conferences more frequently.  There was a time that we were able to attend a 5 day conference and extend it into a mini-vacation.  With the exception of Disney World, we attended these as a couple, without our children.  It was a time for us to experience a new city or country together.  We went to Acapulco, Mexico, The Bahamas, Hawaii and Texas.  We did a variety of things from riding roller coasters at a Six Flags park to attending an outdoor concert to searching for a black sand beach.  We have always enjoyed having these mini holidays together to re-connect and to relax.  I’m hoping in the next couple of years to return to Europe.  We had our honeymoon in Paris and celebrated our 15th Wedding Anniversary in South Africa.  Soon our 25 Anniversary will merit another epic trip (don’t you think?).

Tolerance

We all have our foibles.  None of us are perfect.  Some of us have greater obstacles to overcome.  But that does not change that we will tolerate those little things that drive us batty.  I won’t bore you with what makes me crazy or what I do to make him nuts because the point is we have to find a way to tolerate those little things.  Please take note that most of these little traits are revealed to you when you are dating.  They were there all along.  So don’t be surprised if he’s a cheapskate when you get married… he was that when you dated, you just thought he was ‘saving’ and being responsible and not cheap. Learn to live with those traits that make them ‘special’ (see how I put a positive spin to that… that’s why I’ve been married for 22 years).  For the record, my husband is NOT a cheapskate.  It was just a random example.

Generous

My husband has never ever said: You look fat in that outfit, You could lose a few pounds, That colour doesn’t suit you.  You’re dumb or You should know better.  He also has never showered me with praise or false accolades.  He has been generous in that he has NOT said things that would hurt my feelings (no matter how much I want the truth).  When I went back to Colombia years ago a childhood family friend once asked how I could have put on weight like I had.  Taken aback I simply said: my husband has never made a shallow comment like that.  He has never seen it as a problem so why would you?  Making you feel special and precious is an important gift to your spouse.  Say his name and tell him why he makes you happy.  That sort of kindness on his part has let me be comfortable in my own skin.

and last but not least…

Love

The last thing I asked of my husband when he proposed to me was that he love me unconditionally.  I am who I am and at almost 30 years of age, I was not willing to change to be someone I was not.  I had been there and done that… too often and for too many boyfriends.  This was the real me. Take it or leave it. I was so happy he decided to take it.

You must also know that, I love and adore my husband very much.  Those are simple words but they are the truth.  He still makes me giddy when I see him at the end of the day.  He makes me happy when he is around and I miss him when he is away.  We have grown closer and more in love through the years.  I’m not really sure how that happens but it does.  I’m sure if you asked him if that were the case,  he would agree.  We love each more with every child that we had and with every year that we are married.  We are blessed that much I know is true.

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