Friendships on Facebook–Finding old Flames & long lost Friends

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Friendships on Facebook - @DownshiftingPRO

I had the most pleasant surprise recently, someone that I dated in University reached out to me on Facebook. It was unexpected.  It was not someone that I had thought about in years so it was nice to see his name pop up.  This random ‘reaching out’ has happened before with old high school and CEGEP friends and boyfriends but I have to admit, I have not always accepted the invitation to connect. Friendships on Facebook may be a struggle and for some create a ‘moral’ dilemma.  Do we press accept or do we decline the invitation? There are many reasons why I did not connect with others, to date, I have not accepted my ex’s invitation to connect.  I may or may not.  I haven’t decided…What I did do was open up a conversation via FB private message.  That is where my comfort level is right now.  I’m happy with that.

Below is one of my favourite pictures, it is  a friend that I reconnected with a few years back.  This is not the mystery man (that shall remain nameless).  Most of the people you see here are friends that I have reconnected with in the last 7 years.  I think all of us went to high school together but we find ourselves all over the world: the US, France, Asia all over Canada with many still remaining in Montreal.  This re-connection gave me pause and pondered how friendships on Facebook have changed the way I maintain personal relationships.  I came to the conclusion that it is a study in diplomacy.

 

Friendships on Facebook @DownshifingPRO

When someone sends a friend request on FB, how do you decide who to accept and who to decline?  The key to this moral dilemma is that I want to connect earnestly with some people without feeling obligated. Many people feel this sense of obligation because someone reached out.  They feel guilty otherwise. [tweetthis]Social Media shouldn’t be a conduit of guilt.Don’t feel guilty declining, ignoring or blocking[/tweetthis] If social media is one thing, it should not be a conduit of guilt.  Don’t ever feel guilty about turning someone down, ignoring the request or down right blocking the person.  Just because someone wants to reconnect does not mean that you have to.  Remember, it is within your power to accept, reject or ignore a request. You have privacy settings that you can enable.  Use them.

A few years ago, I returned to my high school to attend the school’s 50th anniversary.  That reunion proved to be instrumental in introducing me to Facebook.  I connected up with quite a few people from my graduating class.  I remain friends with them to this day.  I’m am now just short of 50 from my 1981 BHS Grad class.  I decided to make it an even 50 and reached out to a friend that was part of a larger group of friends. We use to all hang out together.  Very similar to what my daughter does now with her friends.  As part of this little experiment, we will see if karma comes back if he chooses not to connect.  Wouldn’t that be ironic?

Friendships on Facebook–Finding old Flames & long lost Friends

I am sure that you have trolled FB to see what that “old flame” looks like these days or perhaps where they are living or if they are married. Come on, admit it… we’ve all done it.   You always hope in your heart of hearts that the women look worse than you do and the men still look dashing.  Although I don’t delude myself that I look like I did in my ‘very tall and slim’ twenties, I like to think that I have aged gracefully into my 50s… like I said, I like to think that I look great and only aged.just.a.tad. Winking smile.

The picture below is of my very first boyfriend when we were 15 years old – this is us at 50!.  We have remained friends since 1980 (yes, 1980). I reconnected with a bunch of his buddies on Facebook after that first high school reunion in 2009.  There are friends that I only ‘see’ when they like a post or comment on a picture that is public.  There are others that I only see when they appear on my friend’s profile when they tag them.  Most of these guys have remained close and  I absolutely love seeing them on their annual golf getaway. The girls from that group?  Well, some of them are pictured below.  I had not seen them for decades I’m afraid.

Friendships on Facebook–Finding old Flames & long lost Friends

I am always (and I mean always) amused that the guys have grown beards, gained a few pounds, stared to grey or have gone bald. Just. a.bit Winking smile.  I chuckle and think to myself: are we THAT old now? Clearly, I am in denial…My girlfriends on the other hand,  not so much.  It seems I went to high school with gals that aged very well indeed.  Many of them have matured into their own.  That awkward stance and shy demure giving way to confident self-assurance and sexiness.  No doubt about it, some look down right caliente! (If you don’t know what that means Google it).  A couple of years ago when we were all turning 50, a few of us girls decided to have a weekend away.  I hadn’t seen some of these women since I graduated from high school, others since I was in university and a few since my wedding 20 years earlier.  Time had flown by and they all looked  f.a.b.u.l.o.u.s (see comment above)..  Many looked exactly the same with with just a few tiny laugh lines and slightly longer hair. Others, like myself, had filled out a bit  more Smile with tongue out.   I had to laugh (and I mean laugh out loud), when one of the women in the group did not want any of us to tag her in a Facebook post that was celebrating our collectiveBirthday cake FIFTIETH birthdaysBirthday cake.  God forbid her clients found out she was in her fifties – sigh.  My advise to you: Own it girlfriend! This has never been an issue with me.  I have happily embraced every milestone: 25, 30, 40, 50.  It did not matter to me, I felt (and still feel) good in my own skin.

Friendships on Facebook–Finding old Flames & long lost Friends

I guess it comes with age (I cannot believe I wrote that – like I was 75 years old  or something), when you start making decisions about who you want to hang out with whether that be on-line or IRL (in-real-life).  I decided many years ago to stay out of the path of people that made me unhappy,  created drama or (let’s be ‘real’ here) that I created drama for. In keeping, I rarely accept friend invitations or messages from those people.  Hey, I didn’t like you in high school… you were kind of a jerk to me…so… ‘NO, WE CAN’T BE FB FRIENDS’.   In university, I met a pinhead or two but now… ‘NO, WE CAN’T BE FB FRIENDS’.  I have blocked a beau that proposed to me years ago. He reached out after  hearing my interview on CBC Radio’s  Ontario Today. I was in London, he was in Kingston.  I was surprised to hear from him but he reached out because ‘I sounded just the same’ and wanted to catch up from the ‘good old days’.  Funny, I don’t remember the way we parted as ‘good’ on any level. No moral dilemma here: I blocked him!   I may have sounded just the same but I know I am not the same person I was when I was in college or university. There are many things that I did that I have absolutely no regrets about and some that I wish I had handles differently but I have no desire to go back.

This Facebook friend request last week was different.  It was from a man I dated when I was 21.  He was not someone I had thought about in years but when I saw the invite to connect, I knew I would not shut the door on the conversation.  He was always kind, had a marvellous smile and we had a lot of fun that summer.  It was one of those hot summer romances (just so you know, if my kids read this post, they just officially cringed).  It all petered out at the end of the summer because the thing is there was this other girl that held his heart.  I always did wonder what became of him but was never curious enough to find out.  Not my story to read.  I’m just happy we reconnected now, albeit, for a few messages.  We recalled how we use to party like it was 1999 (when in fact it was 1985).  We reminisced about having upside down kamikazes at Shawn’s Pub on the West Island of Montreal. I chuckle to think about how crazy we were.  The topic came up because I wanted him to verify how and when we met.  At Shawn’s Pub he had said… True enough.

Thanks for connecting my friend. I’m so ever happy that you are happy, healthy and wise!  Perhaps some day, we will meet again.I.R.L.

P.S.  I accepted your Friend request Winking smile.

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Margarita Ibbott is a travel and lifestyle blogger. She blogs about travel in Canada, the United States and Europe giving practical advice through restaurant, hotel and attraction reviews. She writes for DownshiftingPRO.com and other online media outlets.

14 thoughts on “Friendships on Facebook–Finding old Flames & long lost Friends”

  1. This is a great post. I decline and block a lot on Facebook. There are some I have no interest in reconnecting with. I had a small group of friends in high school and university and honestly I’d struggle now to remember most classmates names at Ryerson. Sad but true. I did my work and wanted to get to the job part as fast as possible. LOL.One time I had the wife of an ex boyfriend (very very poor choice on my part when I was like 16) and she tried to friend me. Hey remember X I am his wife now let’s be friends. WTF? Um, PASS. You are in control of who you friend and I think you take that very seriously. I am always amazed you remained friends with so many people from university and high school. ALSO is that you playing volleyball???????????????

  2. I have no problem being friends with ex’s on facebook. As long as they are people who bring joy to your life. I have deleted a few “friends” because of the negative way their status make me feel. Or just the drama level over all. o one needs that!!

  3. I deleted a few people that were always drama. I just don’t have time for that. It is also 100 percent friends and family. If I don’t know the person I am not adding them.

  4. Connecting with old friends is sure to put a smile on your face.I use face book all the time and cant believe the new friendships I have rekindled

  5. I recently reconnected on Facebook with my first boyfriend. We have been catching up on our old friendship and where the years have taken us.

  6. Yes it seems that Facebook is a great place to connect, reconnect and stalk I guess lol. Unfortunately I have an ex that will not leave me alone on Facebook.

  7. I’m friends with my ex on facebook, and I’m remarried now, but several years had to pass first before I’d allow it. It first started with his apology, then I felt okay with it. He’s an “aquaintance” on FB so he doesn’t see all my stuff. I definitely like all of FB’s privacy settings. I certainly need them for certain people in my life.

  8. Honestly, I love the re-connections that can be made online. If it wasn’t for another online platform, my husband and I, who first met in Jr. high, wouldn’t be together and married today!

  9. I have reached out to a few people I went to college with along with a couple I went to AIT (Army School) with. Social media today is where a lot of people reconnect. It really is an awesome way to catch up with old friends. Thanks for sharing your experiences and I do believe we all like to think we are aging gracefully. 😀

  10. I love hearing about what my old friends are up to – but I have to admit, I’m quite wary of old boyfriends wanting to contact unless we parted on good terms.

  11. This is funny as this is how I found my now husband was through Facebook. I lost contact and starting searching on Facebook and found him.

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