“Hey, don’t make fun of my brother…” Back-to-school reminders & Life lessons from a 16 year #Autism

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Hey, Don't Make Fun of My Brother @DownshiftingPRO #Autism

The summer was coming to a close.  We had decided that we would do just.one.more.thing before the start of the school year.  It was promising to be a fun filled day on an extremely hot afternoon.  I wanted my son to end the summer with something fun.  Something HE wanted to do.  Back to school was looming and I wanted just one more happy experience.  There is all sorts of things that come with the start of the school year: excitement, relief and a tiny bit of anxiety.  All of these feeling came crashing down on me in one small insignificant moment.

My son had gone to East Park (a local water and amusement park) at the end of grade eight.  I had never been keen on this park for him but that is the only thing he really wanted to do all summer long.  I am not a fan of the crowds, the heat and the price. We decided to take advantage and we called up a friend of his to see if he wanted to come with us.

Although I have not kept it a secret, I don’t often write about the fact that my son is on the autism spectrum.  At the age of 9 or 10 we had him go through a series of tests after he started having problems dealing with noise in the class room.  He started to hide under his desk and then one time, he disappeared on the teacher.  They sent out a ‘search party’ to find him.  He had hidden away in one of the bathroom stalls.  He was overwhelmed.  It was obvious he was having trouble coping in the classroom.  He went through tests with numerous doctors, psychiatrists and psychologist.  The conclusion was he had PDDNOS (pervasive developmental disorder not otherwise specified).  That is a long string of words that meant he was on the autism spectrum but he was still  high functioning (very high functioning actually).  It was mainly the social situations that tended to get to him.  He had problems reading when and how other kids play or interact with each other.  Making friends and maintaining friendships has always been a challenge.  He does not act out, never walked on his tippy toes or stimmed, never had problems maintaining eye contact – many of the typical autistic tendencies.  He did however obsess about trains (yes, a unique trait but one that you find often in autistic kids).  He did (and still has to learn) social cues and subtleties.  It took him years to understand and gage sarcasm and irony (though now he wields irony ruthlessly).

He also tested ‘gifted’.  When he did his testing with the school psychometrist she had to re-test and have the findings checked by her director because she could not believe what she saw.  He was a grade 4 or 5 kid and tested grade 12 for math.  Gifted.  That is what she said. We just thought he was clever.  It showed up in his use of language and lexicon.  For him, words are to be used precisely and with meaning.  No substitute should be used when you can use the ‘correct’ word – as he so often reminds us. His love of language is not something he thinks about, it’s just natural for him.  Math, science and fact based-subjects have come easy to him.  He read in both English and French quicker than his sisters.  To be honest with you (he taught himself how to read in English) he couldn’t wait until Grade 4 English was introduced in his French-as-a-first-language school.  Although he is good at school work, this did not diminish the very real fact that he did see and experience social things differently.  It’s easy to see how at times we are lolled into thinking he is just like every other kid.  He is just as normal as any other 14 year old.

Hey, Don't Make Fun of My Brother @DownshiftingPRO #Autism

Then there are moments that you are reminded.  You realize that things are not exactly the same for him.  We once saw the movie Temple Grandin (about a very interesting scientist that has Asperger) that finally helped him understand who he was.  There is a scene in the movie where she is asked to get a pair of shoes and in her head she sees a Polaroid of every pair of shoe that she has ever seen.  So she has to see,  in her minds eye,  what that specific shoe looks like.  In an epiphany, my son turned to me and said, “hey, I totally get it… that’s exactly how I see things…”  In that moment he got it. In that moment I got it.  He sees things differently.

Understanding his autism is about how he perceived things.  They are not right or wrong.  They are just perceived differently.

So all of this pre-amble brings me to what happened last week.  We were at a local amusement park waiting in line to go on the go-carts.  Once again another activity I would not have imagined him enjoying.  The noise, the competitive nature of racing, the wherewithal of how to pass people on the track, how to get out of a situation if they got stock.  While on his school trip, he had tried out the go-karts because it was part of the program for the day.  He had managed to crash his car and since it took the staff a while to get to him, he missed out on all of the laps that he was suppose to do.  It is that miss-out that had driven him to come back.  He wanted to conquer that mistake and go forward.  He wanted to go on the go-karts this time.  It wasn’t about having to go.

As he and his buddy talked about what they were going to do.  How they were hesitant – maybe apprehensive is a better word – about overtaking people in the go-karts in front of them.  How they were going to go faster in the straight away and  slower in the hairpin turns.  They were conversing loudly (once again, regulating the level of his voice is difficult for him to gage), his sister had already asked him to keep his voice down.  As they both continued to discuss how they would tackle this track, two boys that were probably 11 or 12 were standing in front of them.

They were two typical boys.  Just waiting their turn to go on the go-karts.  As they were standing there, they started to mimic my son and his friend.  They made fun of what they were saying and how they were saying it. They were making fun of how anxious they were.  The thing is,  my son and his friend didn’t notice.  They weren’t paying attention.  They were simply focused on their conversation and were oblivious to the social context around them.  That is what happens, social norms are not what he pays attention to.

However, my daughter did notice.

She did see and hear them making fun of the boys.  She listened as they laughed and joked and mimicked the boys.

Then without skipping a beat, she leaned forward and said: “Hey, don’t make fun of my brother, o.k?”

They were stunned.  They did not expect anyone to call them out.  They did not expect if from a 16 year old girl.  Those kinds of reprimands usually come from a parent or an adult…if they come at all.

And that is the point of this post…

IF THOSE REPRIMANDS COME AT ALL.

We now live in a world where we teach our children that bullying and shaming is not a rite of passage.  It is not an acceptable practice and it is… well… NOT NICE.

So why does this continue?

Because we let kids do it.

Because we don’t all teach our children that its not o.k. to

  • make fun of someone
  • laugh at someone
  • mock someone
  • shame someone
  • belittle someone

It is the start of the school year and I ask you to please remind your kids that this world is made up of all sorts of people.  They may be kids that present just like any other kid.  Some, that you know, may have developmental issues or physical disabilities.  And then there are those kids that are shy, anxious, insecure.  They are kids that are on the Autism spectrum.  They are not dumb.  They are not nerds or geeks or dweebs (that may be a 1980s term but you know what I mean).  They are just kids.  They may be a bit different but they are just kids.  So we need to remind them that it’s not o.k. to make fun – of anyone.

At the time that it happened,  I asked my daughter what happened, she just said “It’s o.k.” and looked away.  It was her way of saying… ‘I’ve taken care of it mom.’  When I asked her later on what happened she explained.  “They were making fun of how the boys were talking… and it wasn’t cool man, it wasn’t cool at all.”

This is a simple life lessons. Taught by a 16 year old to two boys that thought they were being cool and funny.  It reminded me that there are social cues that are still lost on my son. It reminded me that this is the beginning of a new school year and there are still kids out there that will be cruel to other kids.

It also reminded me that there are other kids that are cool and kind and understanding but more importantly, it reminded me that she has always been and will continue to be her brother’s biggest champion.

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Margarita Ibbott is a travel and lifestyle blogger. She blogs about travel in Canada, the United States and Europe giving practical advice through restaurant, hotel and attraction reviews. She writes for DownshiftingPRO.com and other online media outlets.

2 thoughts on ““Hey, don’t make fun of my brother…” Back-to-school reminders & Life lessons from a 16 year #Autism”

  1. I am in the process of getting my 12 year old evaluated for Aspergers. It is so nice to see the bloggers that I follow write about their experiences. I haven’t heard of any instances of people making fun of him yet, but I don’t think he would detect when someone is doing it so it is possible they have been without it being acknowledged.

  2. LOVED this post and I understand all of it too well. He is very lucky to have such a great family and such a great sister. I don’t tolerate children who mock or are rude about differences. That makes my blood boil. I can just picture H and his friend waiting and talking exactly as you expressed that here. I wish you would write more about this. He is a great kid and really sweet and smart.

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